Who would've thunk it, we're talking about affairs with an intern and draft dodging yet Bill Clinton is nowhere to be found. Well while the Bush White House has been developing papers that they hope will pass as military records and John Kerry is thinking about taking his cheekbones in a little, the 42nd President of the United States has started a successful recording career.

Clinton was honored in the spoken word album for children category for a project he worked on with fellow winners, former Soviet president Mikhail Gorbachev and Italian screen siren Sophia Loren.

None of them was at the ceremony to pick up the award for "Prokofiev: Peter and the Wolf/Beintus: Wolf Tracks."

Clinton's wife and Top 25 "Tough Guy" Sen. Hillary Clinton, was nominated in the spoken word album category for the audiobook version of her bestselling memoirs "Living History," but she lost to satirst Al Franken's "Lies And The Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair And Balanced Look At The Right."

After weeks of harassment, the White House comes clean...sort of. Today they released records of George W. Bush's military service with the Texas Air National Guard (a.k.a. an Army of None).

The documents indicate Bush received pay for six days of duty between May and December of 1972 when he was assigned to temporary duty in Alabama. There is a five-month stretch at the start of 1972 when he was not paid for service. The records do not indicate what duty Bush performed or where he was, however, there's a good chance he was high...errr high on the list of people waiting to go to war, yeah that's it.

The White House has not been able to produce fellow guardsmen who could testify that Bush attended guard meetings and drills. "Obviously we would have made people available" if they had been found, McClellan said. "But we've yet to find people believable enough to lie directly to your faces, so quit bothering us...Okay."

Potential Democratic candidate John Kerry did little to contribute or disfuse this stirring controversy.

"It's not an issue that I chose to create. It's not my record that's at issue and I don't have any questions about it."

Kerry than proceeded to brag about all the awards he won in Vietnam.

As expected, retired four-star General Wesley Clark threw his weight behind Massachusetts Senator John Kerry during a stump speech this morning in Wisconsin.

But the big news stemming from the camp is that Kerry will answer this internet report that he had an affair with a 24-year old woman from the Associated Press.

The woman, Alex Polier, now lives in Kenya and her parents said that there was no evidence of an affair but rather Kerry just fancier their daughter.

Kerry later called and asked her to work on his campaign but she declined and asked why he was breathing so heavily on the phone.

Alex's father, Terry, summed up the alledged relationship with one comment.

"I think he's a sleaze-ball."

The soon-to-be Comcast-owned network has picked up six pilots, including ones by pop tart and reality show hound Jessica Simpson and another one by 80s has-been John Stamos.

Simpson's pilot has her playing Jessica Sampson, an extremely spoiled and annoying girl who says stupid things that frustrate her boyfriend...Rick Lachey.

Less is know about Stamos' pilot except that he's a guy named Jesse who's career is overshadowed by his more successful wife.

"I wonder where he comes up with these ideas," said one naive ABC executive.

HURLEY, New York -- Art Garfunkel pleaded guilty to marijuana possession in upstate New York and paid $200 in fines.

The trooper who stopped the limo, in which Garfunkel was the lone passenger, smelled marijuana and found a bag containing 6 grams of the drug in Garfunkel's jacket pocket, police said.

Garfunkel tried to use the "Don't you know who I am?" defense, but surprisingly the officer knew "Hey you're the talentess half of Simon and Garfunkel!"

We knew it was coming, especially after the alledged botox incident didn't draw the negative responses some hoped. There has been an internet swell from several conservative sites now claiming that the reluctant frontrunner for the Democratic nomination has been having an affair with a young woman.

This story, which was "broken" by The Drudge Report, a site that has claimed responsibility for breaking the Bill Clinton-Monica Lewinsky affair several years earlier.

Right now, only papers in Europe had grasped the story and many are using off the record comments by General Wesley Clark, who said that "Kerry will implode over an intern issue", oddly enough Clark is joining Kerry today in Wisconsin and plans to endorse the Massachusetts Senator.

Also Howard Dean, who had originally said he would possibly http://www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/news/politics/7940554.htm, but quickly reversed that statement by saying he was going to stay past Wisconsin, presumably exciting and re-energized after hearing the report of Kerry's bedtime stories. But Dean decides to reverse his reversal thus staying with his original plan that Wisconsin is a make or break state for him.

Conservative blowhard Rush Limbaugh is going further by referring to a National Enquirer story that says Kerry is a druggie, slut and he killed three muppets. Rush claims the woman went to several networks (a lie) and works for the AP (a truth). Rush also wonders when the mainstream media stopped considering the National Enquirer to be a credible source.

The media responded by saying "about the same time we stopped considering Rush Limbaugh to be a credible source".

In a potential shocker Men's Journal released the Top 25 "Tough Guys" in America and low and behold the former first lady and New York's junior Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton was named to the list.

"Hell yeah, I'm a bad bitch," said the excited Clinton. "There's all this talk about Oprah this and Rosie O' that, but I can and will kick both their asses."

Clinton than let out a huge belch and said she was going to eat a bloody steak and "break off" one of her assistants. Clinton came in a No. 25, right behind human crash test dummy Rusty Haight, who has been in 740 car wrecks.

It's the first time Men's Journal has put a woman on the list, senior editor Tom Foster said.

"I think just looking at what she's been through and what she represents, that sort of stood for itself," Foster said. "Would you mess with her?"

On the day that Comcast offers up several billion dollars to gain access to Disney and its offerings (including ESPN, ABC, ESPN 2, ESPN Classic, ESPN Deportes, ESPNews, ESPN Plus, and ESPN...errr whatever other ESPN is out there), there's sad news from the park as a Magic Kingdom floats hits and kills a park worker.

Disney spokeswoman Rena Langley said Javier Cruz, 38, of Orlando, was about to enter the park when he was hit, and she wasn't sure if any visitors witnessed what happened.

Sadly this turn of events means that the is even less change of Mr. Toad's Wildride returning to the park rotation.

Yesterday we reported that diet creator Dr. Robert Atkins was carrying two and a half bills when he died of heart-induced problems.

The medical report showed that as well as his obesity, 6-foot tall Dr. Atkins had a history of heart trouble, congestive heart failure and hypertension.

However the widow of the big-boned doctor denied that his diet, which specializes in eating large amounts of meat and cheese, had anything to do with her husbands death.

“Let me state emphatically that I have been assured by my husband’s physicians that my husband’s health problems late in life were completely unrelated to his diet or any diet."

Of course detractors wonder how double cheeseburgers could be considered a diet.

NEW YORK -- Despite -- or maybe because of -- the Janet Jackson breast-baring fallout, the Grammys were seen by 26.3 million viewers, making Sunday night's awards show the third-most watched Grammy telecast of the last 10 years.

It was the most for the music industry's showcase since 26.6 million watched in 2001, Nielsen Media Research said Tuesday.

CBS executives were seen jumping for joy.

"This is the best thing we could've hoped for," said one unidentified representative. "Despite the initial horror of seeing Janet's breast we regrouped and decided how can we turn this into a positive for us?"

The executive also had a suggestion for viewers disappointed in a skin-less Grammy ceremony.

"Those viewers can always turn to ABC. They display Dennis Franz's ass each week."

PARIS -- France's lower house of parliament voted overwhelmingly Tuesday to ban students from wearing Islamic head scarves and other religious apparel in public schools. The classroom ban, which also applies to Jewish skullcaps and large Christian crosses, was approved 494 to 36. The measure goes to the Senate in early March, and little opposition is predicted.

The religious minority in France is thoroughly outraged.

"It's bad enough we must stink like them now we can't wear scarfs why is this?" said one angry....smelly protestor.

"The Republic and secularism are strengthened," Prime Minister Jean-Pierre Raffarin said, hailing "the magnitude of this vote. We French must be alike and stink alike!".

Bryiah Dailey is taking full advantage of his 15 minutes of fame. Who's Bryiah Dailey you might ask? Well he's the owner of of Taurian Piercing & Metals in Houston and his phone has been ringing off the hook since the hook he made for Janet Jackson's breast was exposed on national TV.

"I couldn't sell either one for anything," Dailey said. "People would come in, see it and think it was cool and ask how much. When I told them about $120, they weren't interested. I couldn't give these things away."

And these days $120 could buy a breast, not a cover.

As reported earlier here, the moment of time has come for Wesley Clark and the four-star general is expected to drop out of the Democratic presidential nomination race today at 2 p.m. in Little Rock, Arkansas. Clark, who was flying high after a victory in Oklahoma last week during Super Tuesday, called both Edwards and Kerry to wish them good luck.

"Heh heh, who's the junior leader of the military now Wes?," a confident Kerry was overheard saying before his victory speech in Fairfax, Virginia. "Two down, four to go."

Since Clark, who also recently received the endorsement of M.C. Hammer, was considered the third best of the Democrats running his decision also effectively ends the campaigns for Howard Dean, Al Sharpton, and Dennis Kucinich.

The biggest loser is going to be the rapper himself, who hoped that the Clark train could help him kickstart his "Hammertime" revue planned for 2005. Hammer said in a statement that he's not sure who he's going to endorse but it damn sure isn't going to be Kucinich.

If Hammer thinks Edwards or Kerry are interested in his bounce, he is sadly mistaken.

"I believe that Senator Edwards is definitely looking towards LudaCris for assistance during his stumps next week in the south," said one notable expert of the Edwards camp. "We want to continue to show that we can motivate the South while Kerry continues to go after northern rappers like Jay-Z and Nas."

LOS ANGELES, California (Reuters) -- In the aftermath of Janet Jackson's controversial Super Bowl breast exposure, MTV has decided that pop tart Britney Spears may be a bit too "Toxic" for daytime tastes.

The music channel, which produced Jackson's notorious halftime duet with Justin Timberlake, said Monday it has moved six of its racier videos, including Spears' video for her new single, "Toxic," from daytime to late-night rotation.

Not all news is bad for the Viacom network, though. This decision gives them the rights to play even less music videos and replay every Real World/Road Rules Challenge even shown. This strategy could be especially useful in promoting the next challenge entitled: Real World/Road Rules Challenge -- The Big Fat Orgy.

Proving twice that a northerner can attract southern voters, Sen. John Kerry won the Virginia and Tennessee primaries Tuesday over two rivals with southern roots, according to CNN projections.

Sen. John Edwards of North Carolina is projected to take second place by a comfortable margin in Virginia. Retired Gen. Wesley Clark, who was raised in Arkansas, is trailing Edwards in Virginia, according to early exit poll numbers.

Clark has alledgedly been meeting with his people to reevaluate his campaign as it has quickly died down since his win in Oklahoma last week.

Clark has also had problems drawing in younger voters after failing in a pop culture quiz by not knowing which band Justin Timberlake was part of. (He said the Beach Boys)

Clark quickly rebounded by talking about his current musical tastes.

"Right now, Madonna's Greatest Hits," said the uncool four-star General. "Oh yeah, we went over her house, and we met Madonna. We met her husband, sister and some of her friends over there."

Clark was also able to secure the endorsement of former rap star M.C. Hammer.

Sen. John Kerry hopes to build on his lead in the race for the Democratic presidential nomination in primaries Tuesday in Tennessee and Virginia, while rivals Sen. John Edwards and retired Army Gen. Wesley Clark staked their candidacies on strong showings.

Kerry, who's been noticably absent from the Southland, appeared on the stump in Tennessee yesterday and even picked up an endorsement from popular Virginia governor Mark Warner.

However, many Southern Democrats are worried about Kerry's lack of Southern strategy, thinking it could damage him in some of that region's battleground states.

"There should be a Southern strategy in a national campaign for a Democratic candidate," said Tennessee party Chairman Randy Button, who thought Kerry's decision to skip the weekend forum was "a mistake." "If you're looking at November, there are going to be some Southern battleground states. Tennessee is one of them."

Meanwhile Howard Dean skipped the two primaries, stating he has run out of Southwest frequent flyer miles and is stuck at an airport in Wisconsin.

Al Sharpton, who is riding high after a strong showing in inner-city Michigan, is also gaining momentum in the South after receiving an endorsement from self-proclaimed crunk masters The Youngbloodz.

The White House released payroll records Tuesday it said demonstrate that President Bush fulfilled his obligations to the Texas Air National Guard in the early 1970s, hoping to defuse lingering election-year questions about the president's service.

"These documents make it very clear that the president of the United States fulfilled his duties," White House spokesman Scott McClellan said. "When you serve, you are paid for that service, and these documents outline the day he was paid."

When asked later about what services our fearless leader in a flight suit performed. McClellan said "I don't know, he was never there".

Okay maybe I made that part up.

Here's a shocker, Dr. Robert Atkins was fat. Yes I know I'm shocked too. I'm surprised that a guy who gorged on cheeseburgers as a "diet" died of a heart disease.

At 258 pounds, the 6-foot-tall Atkins would have qualified as obese, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's body-mass index calculator.

Of course his widow Veronica is outraged that someone would expose this truth and possibly spoil her mealticket. The wife of the late tub of lard actually criticized NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg for making jokes about his ever-expanding girth.

"I have been assured by my husband's physicians that my husband's health problems late in life were completely unrelated to his diet or any diet," she said.

Yeah....And drugs had nothing to do with Elvis' death either.

In a sad but funny moment at the Martha Stewart trial, Martha's secretary interrupted the witchhunt...errr procedures after breaking down while discussing Martha's plum pudding.

Ann Armstrong testified she was in her office Dec. 27, 2001 -- the day of Stewart's now well-known sale of nearly 4,000 shares of ImClone -- and was relaying messages to Stewart, who was flying to Mexico.

Armstrong testified that it was the first time she'd spoken to her boss since Christmas and that she thanked Stewart for her Christmas gift, a plum pudding. Armstrong then broke down crying on the stand and tried to compose herself.

"I gave her the messages," she said. "There weren't many that day."

I wonder how well her cooking will go over with the rest of the cellmates at Attica?

Diana Ross, 59 (yeah right), will be spending a couple of days in the hole after a DUI conviction. Breath test results showed Ross had a blood alcohol concentration of 0.20 percent. Arizona's legal limit is 0.08.

Maybe she'll do a jam session with cellmater and Godfather of Soul James Brown.

What's up with American Airlines pilots? One guy is using the cockpit as his pulpit and another flips the bird to Brazil. Really I think I'm flying USAir or Delta in the future.

The pilot went as far as to make a roll call of Christians and persuade them to witness to non-Christians (described as "crazy") or they can just sit there and read the paper or watch the movie. Now this was a flight from L.A. to JFK, and I'll bet it was an uncomfortable five hours and not just for the passengers. Apparently the flight attendants got a serious earful from disturbed passengers and one in particular, Karla Austin, had a nice parting shot.

On her way out, Austin said she told him that "he should be ashamed of himself."

Amen.

As for the "Birdman", not sure what the hell this guy was thinking but he didn't like the new fingerprinting process as part of entry into the Sao Paulo Airport for U.S. citizens. His internation sign of love cost him an embarassing arrest and about $13,000 in fines.

The pilot, Dale Robin Hersh, was accused of showing contempt for authorities -- a crime in Brazil. He was also convicted of really bad judgment.

American public soon to say that they are full of shit...Really what's the best way to make the public forget lying about a war, let's try lying about domestic issues.