The Cynic
A cynical spin on the news.
Thursday, May 20, 2004

Birth of a Good Star Wars??

From imdb.com:

The final Star Wars movie (Episode III) will be titled Birth of the Empire, Britain's Empire magazine reported on its website today (Thursday). The publication quoted an unnamed source as saying that the highlight of the movie is a battle between Ewan McGregor, playing Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Hayden Christensen, playing Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader while maneuvering small platforms on lava as if they were surfing. Lucasfilm has not commented on the report.

Okay...now there have only be a few "can't miss" films in the industry and this has to be one of them.

Despite the garbage known as Episode II forcing me to have doubts, I can safely say that not EVEN George Lucas can screw this one up. I mean the fact that he destroyed any chance of this trilogy being great with a bad Episode I (make that okay) and horrendously boring Episode II is one thing but this he'll have to really try to fuck up because it's so simple.

However I'm sure he'll fill the screen with more stupid Jar Jars and other crap.

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Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Birthday Shout/SNL Top 5

First and foremost I want to send a birthday shout to my boy B-ranom. I think you're like 34 or something. Happy happy man. Sorry I'm working and won't be able to share in a drink or something.

Moving on, a quick top 5 for the day. Top Five SNL sketch comedy performers during my years of watching this.

1) Eddie Murphy -- Always a no brainer. He was and to this date remains the only STAR that was on SNL while he was a STAR. He basically saved the entire show by signing on to do half a season in 1983 and he opened the door for the later group of SNL stars by proving that sketch comedians could be major box office hits. And he had great SNL fixtures with Buh-Weet and Mr. Robinson's neighborhood. Favorite skit: Either "Being White for a Day" or "James Brown Celebrity Hottub"

2) Will Ferrell -- If Eddie didn't exist I'd make Will a slight #1 over Adam Sandler based on the Neil Diamond Storytellers, which is the single funniest SNL skit ever. Will was as flexible as Sandler but his main characters (Alex Trebek, H.S. band teacher, cheerleader) were hilarious.

3) Adam Sandler -- I'm a huge Sandler-on-SNL fan, his characters were just so fun (especially Operaman) and he was just one of those guys who could make you laugh. Favorite skit: His part in the New Kids on Arsenio skit that included Dana Carvey, Mike Myers and Jason Preistley

4) Phil Hartman -- The best deceased cast member. Phil was smart enough not to stretch himself too thin. He did the things he did extremely well. Favorite Skit: Duh, anything with him doing Sinatra.

5) Chris Farley -- Had I been old enough to remember Belushi, he'd go here and Farley would be bumped. Farley was funny, sadly Jack Black has surpassed him as the "next" Belushi but the Chippendale's skit with Patrick Swayze will always be a favorite.

Those that didn't make the cut.

Mike Myers -- I never really enjoyed the Carvey half of Wayne's World and given the two actors' status these days it's obvious which one carried the skits. I also liked the Simon stuff he did.

Chris Rock -- Great comedian but terrible on SNL. Honestly he should have been hosting Weekend Update. You know he shared an office during his time on SNL with Hartman, Farley and Sandler. Lorne Michaels could've just ran a 24-hour camera on those four and had enough material to last a lifetime.

Dana Carvey -- I never really liked him. Ferrell's impression of W kills Carvey's impression of the first Bush. "Chopping Broccoli" is horribly overrated.

Cheri Oteri -- Of all the women on the show she is the funniest I've seen (Can't remember Jane Curtain or Gilda Radner).

Jimmy Fallon -- He's good but he doesn't do anything memorable and he couldn't carry the show without funnier people on the cast. Tina Fey carries the Weekend Update

David Spade -- Spade was close. His Entertainment Weekly Segment was terrific.

Discuss, debate...But I'm right :)

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Sports Guy Strikes Again...

Gotta love ESPN.com Page 2 columnist Bill Simmons...He hits me with this gem.

Speaking of foreign NBA players, when they're interviewed during games, don't you get disappointed when they don't live up to the stereotypes of their respective countries? Like Tony Parker -- when Michele Tafoya grabs him, he should quickly slip on a beret, start chain-smoking and say rude things to her. Or Manu Ginobili -- he could quickly put on one of those white Miami Vice drug-dealer suits and smoke long cigarettes. Dirk Nowitzki could wear a lederhosen with a feather in his hat. Pau Gasol could put on one of those purple man-blouses and a cheesy black leather jacket. And so on. I think ratings would skyrocket. It would be especially fun watching them put the costumes on.

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Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Thoughts on the Flight Home...

Basically a memory of the thoughts I had during the day of my flight back from Las Vegas.

-- It has to suck being a Vegas cabbie, with the airport so close to the strip and all. Only $7-8 ride as compared to the New York cabbies who can nail a rider for $25 from LaGuardia to Midtown

-- Being in the Vegas airport makes me realize how good we have it in Tampa. I can't explain it but TIA runs so smoothly.

-- I hate flight delays...Especially when they mean my flight attendant of choice won't be making it.

-- Speaking of which, it's no longer cool to fantasize about flight attendants unless you're a gay man. The day of hot chick stewardesses is over :(

-- Nothing irks me more than older people quoting Chappelle's Show. I liked the "Day in the Life of Lil' Jon" as much as anyone but I don't need the 40+ guy sitting across from me saying "Yeah...What? What?"

-- Hmmm while listening to R Kelly I realize that if this plane goes down I don't want to die listening to R Kelly.

-- Speaking of albums. Dr. Dre 2001 is the best hip-hop CD ever and the best comeback CD ever. This I will not discuss.

-- I hate comical pilots. Flying shouldn't be fun.

-- Earth, Wind and Fire was a very underrated R&B band.

-- If the Timberwolves can win Tuesday, I think they've got a shot against the Lakers..

-- Who am I kidding? The fucking Lakers are going to win it all.

-- My favorite Britney video has to be "I'm a slave for you", mainly because she was all sweaty and slutty looking. Excellent stuff.

-- BTW where does Britney Spears rate on the "Super-hot chick" scale? She's obviously not near Beyonce, but how close is she.

-- Speaking of hot chicks, after seeing Lindsay Lohan up close this weekend, photos and television do NOT do her justice. Man she's smoking.

-- Oh okay LaToya got voted off of American Idol, but nah that show isn't racist...Just a fucking joke. Jasmine is basically one notch above William Hung.

-- What's worse? Taking off or landing?

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Vegas Revisited: Fight Night Diary

Ahh it was nice to get back into the writing game with a couple of pieces of ink. Personally I liked my advance far more than my AM story but who's complaining.

Anyway, this was the diary I kept for fight night. It's not very funny but most of the night was boring. My run on the craps table was far more exciting.

9:00EST: HBO Pay Per View starts with a fight between Victor Burgos and Fahlan Sakkreerin at...107 pounds? Geez my sister could kick both these guys asses.<

9:14: Commotion starts as Mr. T enters the arena marking the first "celebrity" sighting of the night. T isn't wearing a shirt which is a bit odd considering the hotel temperature is about 55 degrees. However he's brought out his full assortment of gold. T has been flossing long before Jay Z.<

9:20: T is slowly climmbing up Bill Simmons' unintentional comedy scale as he's milking his celebrity for all its worth including a few photos with the military contingent here.<

9:21 Oh yeah, the fight sucks and uhhh Chris Byrd is a big fucking guy.<

9:24 Burgos gets knocked down to the response of the nine people not watching Mr. T. Speaking of which I give him credit, he's taken a picture with everyone who's brought a camera and he looks like he's having the time of his life.

9:31 Burgos knocks out Sakkereerin in the sixth round and the crowd reacts as if someone just farted.

9:34 BTW boxing crowds are so tardy they make the Oscars look punctual. As for the clinentele, it's probably a step above UFC crowds with about 20% less slutty blondes.

9:39 The second fight of the PPV card is between heavyweights Bruce "Ustabgood" Seldon and Gerald "The Jedi" Nobles. Are you kidding me? The Jedi? Is Anakin and Jar Jar Binks in his corner?

9:49 Seldon, who sold out to Emperor Palpatine before the fight, knocks Nobles down on a cheap jab.

9:58 George Wallace just walked in. No not the racist governor of Alabama but the comedian who I saw Friday night. He's sitting in the press row behind me.

10:00 A fight analysis from the guy behind me. "The Jedi Knight with the big man tits is kicking Seldon's ass." Actually I have the fight scored even through four rounds.

10:09 BTW if you ever come in close contact with a famous fighter, just refer to him as "champ" and you have a friend for life.

10:16 Nobles defends the Jedi honor and knocks Seldon out during an odd exchange in the ninth round to the disappointment of the crowd. Looks like Seldon took a dive to be honest, nonetheless he'll have to answer to Jabba the Hut later so I'm not going to worry about it.

10:21 Okay I see A.J. from BET's 106 and Park. Geez, he barely qualifies as an E-List celebrity. He's basically a half step up from an AP reporter.

10:25 Finally the crowd acknowledges the entrance of welterweight Zab Judah. I like Judah for two reasons -- he's from Brooklyn and he has a piece of jewelry he clips over his front teeth. Judah is fighting Rafeal "Derby" Pineda. No I don't know which Derby he represents so don't ask.

10:43 I have Judah up 4 rounds to none so far. But I'm biased and I'm looking for celebrities, none so far although one guy looks like Paul Mooney.

10:55 Finally the crowd cheers as Pineda slipped and kicked Judah and Judah replied with a flurry that knocked Pienada on his ass. However he survived the round.

11:12 Judah and Pineda have finally come to the end of another boring fight with only short spurts of entertainment. I've got Zudah winning 116-111. The arena will not be a sellout, coming about 500 short, which means it's standing room only in NBA terms.

11:16 On a side note I put $25 on Roy Jones winning the Main Event by decision, which paired with the $20 I won on Smarty Jones in the Preakness should give me another successful gambling night. Speaking of decisions Judah won by a split decision. Interesting. Not sure who had the bout 115-112 for Pineda but he needs to be drug tested.

11:19: BTW, you know it's Main Event time because there's an obvious buzz that's come over the crowd.

11:29: Oooers Patti LaBelle sings the national anthem...Ooof, definitely a 'C' version at best as she sang "perilous flight" instead of fight. Quite disappointing.

11:32: Yay, Magic Johnson is in attendance. Sports celebrity but celebrity nonetheless. Hmmm odd that he shows up on a night when the Lakers are playing. Maybe O.J. is here as well.

11:42: Right now, I realize that I've got a clear live view at the biggest boxing event of the spring. Life is good.

11:50: Round 1 is pretty weak. Jones landed a nice punch or two but a lot of dancing and flinching. Much like the Manute Bol-William Perry fight

11:52: HOLY SHIT...ONE FUCKING PUNCH and Tarver KILLS Superman DEAD! Boy that was shocking.

11:55: Tarver's crew (most of whom are sitting ringside next to me) rush the ring and get stopped by the...two security guards on duty. Suddenly I don't feel so safe.

12:02: Well the night is over. Definitely not a night to forget but a pretty terrible night of boxing otherwise.

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I take the news
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Playing More Catch Up

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