The Cynic
A cynical spin on the news.
Saturday, February 21, 2004

Schwarzenegger: No More Gay Marriages Or Judges Will Meet There Maker...

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, facing mounting calls for action from within his own party, ordered Attorney General Bill Lockyer on Friday to intervene immediately to stop San Francisco from granting marriage licenses to same-sex couples.

"Stop it judges! People of San Francisco GET OUT NOW!! I Will Save you!!!," said an exasperated Governor.

"Because the City and County of San Francisco's actions are directly contrary to state law and present an imminent risk to civil order, I hereby direct you to take immediate steps to obtain a definitive judicial resolution of this controversy."

When later asked about his well-publicized days as a bodybuilder who admittedly loved multiple-partner orgies and the effects that could have on society, the governor had a more direct point.

"That's different, he said. We were all high."

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Gibson's Dad: I hate Jews...

In a sad, pathetic and occasionally disturbing diatribe, the father of star actor Mel Gibson ripped the Jewish communities by refering to them as power-hungry mongers who want world domination.

Hutton Gibson, an 85 year old jackass who obviously still employs 19th-century thinking, also said that the Holocaust was fiction and Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan needs to be hung.

Mel Gibson's spokesman, Alan Nierob, had no comment on the elder Gibson's tirade.

But Abraham Foxman of the Anti-Defamation League said they were the words of a "classical anti-Semite."

"If it wasn't so sad, it would be funny," he said.


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Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Dean Goes From First to Worst...

After a borrowing enough money to get a bumpy plane ride on Jetblue, former Vermont Governor Howard Dean withdrew his bid for the Democratic nomination of President.

Dean, who was the front runner for much of 2003, was a surprising third in the Iowa caucus and never recovered. Soon after Dean went on a Mondale-esque losing streak, losing all 18 states and the crucial endorsements of union heads and former 90s rap star Sir-Mix-a-Lot.

While many will speculate on where Dean went wrong, many agree that it was the endorsement of former VP Al Gore.

"It was when everything started going wrong," said one Dean spokesman of the Gore endorsement. "We should've taken into account that no one likes him."

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Conan O'Brien: I'm Sorry eh?

Late-night talk show guru Conan O'Brien apologized to the citizens of Quebec on Tuesday after a skit with famous hand puppet Triumph the Insult Comic Dog rubbed the provinces French-Canadian community the wrong way.

While most of Conan's landmark visit to Canada was extremely well received, the segments featuring Triumph (who is voiced by cartoonish Robert Smiegel) were considered to be racist by some members of the Canadian government.

As for Conan's apology, here were some excerpts.

O'BRIEN: "People of Quebec, I'm sorry."

TRANSLATOR: "People of Quebec, I'm an albino jackass."

O'BRIEN: "We meant no harm with our comedy piece the other night."

TRANSLATOR: "The other night, I wet the bed like a little girl."

O'BRIEN: "I was a stranger in a strange land and I was very insensitive."

TRANSLATOR: "I have a small penis."


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Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Canada Joins Piracy Fight; Will Prosecute Celine Dion Thieves...

Canada's biggest music companies have begun legal moves to try to identify people who illegally swap songs online.
Firms including EMI and Universal want the courts to order internet service providers (ISPs) to give them the names of 29 alleged large-scale offenders.

Needless to say the 17 remaining fans of Celine Dion, Corey Hart and Bryan Adams are extremely worried.


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MSNBC Gets New Ownership..

NEW YORK - Veteran ABC executive and former CNN chief Rick Kaplan will replace Erik Sorenson as the head of struggling MSNBC, news executives said Tuesday.

Executives from both NBC News and ABC News confirmed the move, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Kaplan is well-known in the television circles for terrific ability to plan war coverage and even won an award for his work at ABC News, where he was a senior executive.

But Kaplan faces a new challenge in MSNBC, who's failed at every form of programming since becoming a network.

While MSNBC generally draws a younger audience than its competitors, it has suffered an identity crisis brought in partly by its frequent and abrupt shifts in focus.

The network recently hired Deborah Norville for a prime-time talk show. A news program with Keith Olbermann and talk show with Joe Scarborough are the network's other prime-time shows.

"However, no one knows who the hell those guys are," said an MSNBC relations representive. "Personally I think our committment to the younger viewers will be expidited by this hire."

The representative went on to say that he expects the network to sign Spongebob Squarepants for their vacated 7-8 p.m. slot.

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Gibson Blames Everyone for Christ's Death...

With a week before the release of his new movie "The Passion of The Christ", actor Mel Gibson has decided to blame everyone for the death of Jesus Christ.

"[Jesus] was beaten for our iniquities," said the actor. "He was wounded for our transgressions, and by his wounds we are healed. That's the point of the film."

As for the one question everyone wants him to answer: "Who killed Jesus Christ?"

"The big answer is," Gibson said, "we all did."

Then in a mode only described as Dean-esque Gibson further elaborated his point.

"We all killed him!," the actor shouted before jumping up on a table. "EVERYONE!! The Jews, The Gentiles, The Arabs, The Asians, You did, I did, We all did! And I'm taking this movie to every nation and every world. Through Iowa, Nebraska, Ohio, Wisconsin, Florida, North America, South America, Mars, Jupiter and all the way to CRAWFORD, TEXAS...ARGRGGH!!"

Gibson's also taken a little flack for putting his film in selective theaters, distributing his film predominately in the midwest and "bible belt" avoiding areas that can be considered "upscale, Jewish, liberal or otherwise intelligent."

Gibson later explains that he was just trying to draw the NASCAR vote.

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Cingular: "Hey Verizon, Can You Hear Us Now?"

In a surprising bid Cingular, a SBC/Bellsouth joint production, has outbid Vodaphone for the rights to purchase AT&T Wireless and offer even more coverage of their crummy reception.

"By combining the strengths of these two companies we expect to accelerate the availability of advanced wireless services for consumers," Stan Sigman, Cingular's president and CEO said in a statement.

The deal is expected to close late this year, however AT&T wireless customers can expect static and additional roaming charges immediately.

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Monday, February 16, 2004

Dean's Chairman Quits; Vows Campaign Will Go On

As we here at the Cynics has followed the slow death known as Howard Dean's campaign, the most recent bad news for the former Governor of Vermont is the departure of campaign chairman Steve Grossman.

At an appearance here on the eve of the Wisconsin primary, Dean said Grossman was no longer with his campaign. "I absolutely don't feel betrayed by Grossman. I consider him to be a friend," Dean said, without elaborating.

This news comes on the heels of aides predicting Dean's departure citing lack of resources, money and failure to get Amtrak to approve a check. Dean has continued to fight those rumors but concedes that he might need to win the occasional state to stick around.

Also rumors of the financial woes has Dean supporters and workers worry.

"Dude, he like owed Steve $15 for a McDonald's run yesterday," said one Dean top aide. "I mean this morning I paid $4.50 for a dozen donuts and I haven't seen my reinbursement yet. It's very frustrating."

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The Plight of the Whites Live On

In unoriginal news, college Republicans at Roger Williams College have created a parody scholarship for white students.

The application for the $250 award requires an essay on "why you are proud of your white heritage" and a recent picture to "confirm whiteness."

Jason Mattera, 20, who is president of the College Republicans, said the group is parodying minority scholarships.

Mattera, who is of Puerto Rican descent, is himself a recipient of a $5,000 scholarship open only to a minority group.

"No matter what my ethnicity is, I'm making a statement that scholarships should be given out based on merit and need," Mattera told the Providence Journal.

No word on whether Mattera will also create a scholarship for hyprocrites.

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Sunday, February 15, 2004

No. 41 Caught by Army, Still Can't Beat Marines' Aces Over Jacks

BAGHDAD, Iraq -- Muhammad Zimam Abd al-Razzaq al Sadun, No. 41 on the U.S.-led coalition's list of most wanted Iraqis, was captured Sunday in a Baghdad suburb, Iraqi and coalition officials said.

Al-Razzaq -- four of spades in the Pentagon's "Most Wanted Iraqis" deck of playing cards -- was being held in an undisclosed location, according to a statement from the U.S.-led coalition occupying Iraq. While the capture is appreciated, the Army was forced to dump the card, saying the Marines' full house of Aces and Jacks is going to be tough to beat.

"We need to get our asses in gear we've only got a pair of sixes and a potential straight draw," an Army spokesperson said. "I don't under why deuces or one-eyed Jacks ain't wild."


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Hubble Gets Put on the Backburner...

The Hubble Telescope, once thought to the be the greatest invention of our time, is basically being ignored by NASA as they are fixated on new flavors of the month -- Spirit and Opportunity, the Mars rovers.

Astronomers and space enthusiasts are already mourning the eventual loss of one of the more important scientific instruments of all time. "There was a tremendous amount of science to be done with the Hubble and it's a shame to have to turn it off prematurely," said Patrick McCarthy, a member of the telescope's science oversight committee.

NASA execs, on the other hand, have given up hope that the Hubble will recreate itself and seem completely committed to the two Rovers.

"Hubble telescope? That's like so 1997," boasted a NASA spokesman.

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Kerry Wins Unknown Caucuses

Even single-digit voter turnout wasn't enough to stop the Kerry express as the Massachusetts Senator easily won Caucuses in Nevada and Washington D.C.

A surprised Kerry was awoken from his sleep with the news and released the following statements.

"Umm, yeah...Despite not knowing there were any caucuses tonight, I'm pleased by the results and the message that America needs better leadership in the White House."

Meanwhile, Howard Dean is still stuck at an airport in Wisconsin, the Vermont Senator was hoping to get his Greyhound tour of the state off the ground today, but he's maxed out his American Express card.

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Previously...

Playing More Catch Up

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Workout 8/12 & 8/14

Workout, 8-11-2015

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