The Cynic
A cynical spin on the news.
Saturday, May 08, 2004

You Want Answers...

Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
"Adlai Stevenson was "a boob" (Al Franken -- Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them)

Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
A wall

What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Currently watching a Beverly Hills 90210 episode on F/X. It's the one where Brandon saves the day and Kelly acts like a bitch to David while Brenda whines about Dylan.

With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Really bad dialouge on TV

Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
The Knight-Ridder Election Blog (hasn't been updated since March 25, will be again during the summer conventions)

When did you last laugh?
Late last night (or early this morning) while cracking jokes at my watering hole.

What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Lots of African art, mostly masks and four African paintings by Mike Adejumo

Tell something about yourself that no one knows.
Didn't I already tell you I watch 90210 reruns...C'mon people give me some space!

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Friday, May 07, 2004

Friends Finale? Big Fuckin' Deal.

Sorry I don't watch it. Never have, never will. Not in syndication, not in moderation. Not on Mondays, not on Sundays. If I'd watch anything it'd be the new CSI, because it takes at least half a brain to enjoy that show.

And for people like me, I share this nicely-written article.

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Thursday, May 06, 2004

Ranking the Worst (The Grand Finale)

Okay we're here!

10. Ebony and Ivory-Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder ... 1982

I'm convinced this song destroyed the seemingly improving race relations of 1982. Soonafter the government created AIDS and Crack to kill off my entire race because they just didn't want this song on the air. A little drastic? Sure, but that's the government.

9. American Life-Madonna ... 2003

Learning the power of American values from Italian born in Michigan who lives in London and parades around with a fake
British accent.

8. Party All the Time-Eddie Murphy ... 1985

Oh okay, is it bad because it's a bad song or because it's an actor singing a bad song? Scary thing is, this isn't even CLOSE to the worst Eddie Murphy song ever. That goes to the classic bust called Whatzupwitu.

7. Don't Worry, Be Happy-Bobby McFerrin ... 1988

Horrible song and it wasn't the song that a militant young teenager liked myself enjoyed. However, points for using his body for all the musical sounds. And McFerrin has turned into a very good composer.

6. The Heart of Rock & Roll-Huey Lewis and the News ... 1984

Ahhh...I liked Huey Lewis and the News...I hate to admit it, I almost feel like hanging myself, but we all have crosses to bare.

5. Ice Ice Baby-Vanilla Ice ... 1990

A pop classic. Really was this song bad? No, it was quite the opposite. Bad songs don't sell 15-20 copies of a shitty album like "To the Extreme".

4. Rollin'-Limp Bizkit ... 2000

Someone point out a GOOD Cheese Bizkit for me.

3. Everybody Have Fun Tonight-Wang Chung ... 1986

Horribly overrated 80s song. Wang Chung was one of the worst groups of the decade. I mean 80s music sucked, that's why this song was popular, plain and simple.

2. Achy Breaky Heart-Billy Ray Cyrus ... 1992

Wow, where do I start with this little diddy. When I first heard this song I thought to myself "Wow another goofy, non-dancing jackass in country music." I'll put it mildly I'd rather listen to Toby Keith while hanging upside down in a pool with a cattle prod shoved up my ass than listen to this song ever again.

1. We Built This City-Starship ... 1985

Honestly this song isn't close to as bad as half the songs on this list. Not to say it isn't horrible and cheesy, it's definitely those things but it is the worst song of all time? Worst than New Kids on the Block? Nah.

That's all folks!

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Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Ranking the Worst (Part 4)

We're almost there and onto more exciting things.

20. Dancing on the Ceiling-Lionel Richie ... 1986

Given Lionel's pedigree from 1982-1987 (8 #1 songs on one album!!!), I'm definitely willing to give him a pass on this one.

19. Broken Wings-Mr. Mister ... 1985

Bad song, sappy song, however, it's twice as good as the follow up "Kyrie". If you want to know what Kyrie means look here.

18. You're The Inspiration-Chicago ... 1984

I enjoy Peter Cetera's voice so I'll just write this off as a writer that's been to a few too many weddings.

17. Pumps and a Bump-Hammer ... 1994

This one or the other single from The Funky Headhunter -- "It's All Good" -- are easy pickings. Also the "Adamms Family Groove" could've easily been subbed. However the 1994 Hammer was the last breath in one of the quickest image deaths in the entertainment industry. Just to think this guy sold 20+ million in 1990.

16. What's Up?-4 Non Blondes ... 1993

Apparently the lead singer in this group was responsible for writing Ani DiFranco songs too which means she lacks talent at both singing and writing.

15. I'll Be There for You-The Rembrandts ... 1995

This is far too low for a bad song theme to a bad sitcom. Personally I can't wait until they bury Friends this week and hopefully "Joey" will get canceled in the middle of the first season.

14. From a Distance-Bette Midler ... 1990

A Gulf War-themed song. Ugghhh, it was always a station changer plus I never bought Bette Midler as a legitimate recording artist.

13. Illegal Alien-Genesis ... 1983

Never heard the song, don't want to. I'll take Blender's word for it.

12. Kokomo-The Beach Boys ... 1988

What makes these 60s bands think they can come back drug-free and do good music? It doesn't happen...EVER...Well unless you're Aerosmith.

11. Invisible-Clay Aiken ... 2003

Before this song I thought Clay Aiken going invisible would be a pipe dream. However after this poor effort, it seems more like a reality. I hope he didn't toss away that Food Lion bagger uniform.

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Ranking the Worst (Part 3)

We're hitting in the meat of the countdown. And we discover that worst might also mean overplayed.

30. Greatest Love of All-Whitney Houston ... 1986

No...not at all. This was pre-cocaine Whitney when she not only had talent but a beautiful voice. Pretty much any Whitney from 1985-1990 was a winner. Her hair weaves...that's another story.

29. Breakfast at Tiffany's-Deep Blue Something ... 1995

Bad song made worst by heavy heavy rotation on every station outside of Urban stations (which didn't exist in many circles back in 1995)

28. Your Body Is a Wonderland-John Mayer ... 2001

Straight money. All John Mayer songs suck. He's a no-talent folk singer who'd be laughed at by REAL folk singers.

27. The Final Countdown-Europe ... 1987

Well hair band songs should be illegal. This song had an okay sound, the lyrics sucked but with a hair band you take what you get.

26. The End-The Doors ... 1967

I'd download it but I'm not a big fan of the Doors.

25. I'll Be Missing You-Puff Daddy featuring Faith Evans and 112 ... 1997

Again, not a bad song. Probably better than the follow up "Mo Money Mo Problems" which had the annoying voice of Mase and even more overplay potential. I'll just write this off as the world not being ready for a guy named Puff Daddy dominating the pop charts.

24. Five for Fighting-Superman ... 2000

Okay the name Five for Fighting is bad enough. I tried to put a melody to this song because it's very familiar, however after reading the lyrics, I'll take Blender's word for it.

23. Sunglasses at Night-Corey Hart ... 1984

Yet another terrible entertainment figure that brings shame to the name Corey.

22. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American)-Toby Keith ... 2002

This guy is just a jackass. I mean I could why he'd be so angry considering he's made millions off of writing bad songs about being an ignorant redneck.

21. Two Princes-Spin Doctors ... 1992

I liked the Spin Doctors, I always thought they were just five homeless guys from Queens who liked to jam together. Didn't the lead singer have rickets or something?

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Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Ranking the Worst... (Part 2)

The next 10 on this list of bad are more painful than a William Hung tune.

40. I Wanna Sex You Up-Color Me Badd ... 1991

Once again, Blender is lazy. Because the follow up singles by CMB -- "I Adore Mi Amor" and "All 4 Love" -- were twice as bad as this one. However, this song is weird because there are two versions. The halfway okay version and the MTV version which completely sucks.

39. She Bangs-Ricky Martin ... 2000

Obviously this needs no comment.

38. Cotton Eyed Joe-Rednex ... 1995

Interesting song, popular at college "country" clubs and regular nightclubs. Either way it's not a bad song at all, pretty fun and happy for the whole family.

37. Rico Suave-Gerardo ... 1991

Now here's the question. Was Gerardo ahead of his time? He missed the "Latin Invasion" by at least seven years and there was tons of crap from that fad (including two J-Lo albums). Is this song bad? No doubt, it's atrocious and the video is even worst if that's possible. But -- and I know I'm not alone here -- Rico Suave has a special place in my heart. Sometimes a song is so bad, it's just funny.

36. Make Em Say Uhh!-Master P featuring Silkk, Fiend, Mia-X and Mystikal ... 1998

This song made 'em say "PLEASE NO MORE!!!"

35. Shiny Happy People-R.E.M. ... 1991

I'm in the minority of people who think REM is quite overrated and I can point to this song as why...Happy...Happy? In 1991 during the post-Gulf War depression?

34. Longer-Dan Fogelberg ... 1979

Did a quick download and quickly deleted it a minute into the song.

33. Barbie Girl-Aqua ... 1997

Any song that coins the phrase "C'mon Barbie Let's Go Party" needs to be destroyed.

32. Will 2K-Will Smith ... 1999

This song has redeemable qualities for several reasons. One it was the third best 2K tune (Behind 1999 and Millenium) plus the sampling of "Rock the Casbah" is pretty nifty too. They could've chose the song for the second Men in Black movie instead.

31. Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm-Crash Test Dummies ... 1994

Well besides the non-chorus, the terrible lyrics, the lead singer's horrible force and the ridiculous video (What was the school play? Death of a Salesman?) this is a perfectly good song.

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Monday, May 03, 2004

Ranking the Worst...

Blender Magazine (a shitty music mag by the makers of the great Maxim magazine) recently listed their opinion of the 50 worst songs of all time.

So I'm going to give my opinion on their opinion starting with 50-41

50. My Heart Will Go On-Celine Dion ... 1998

Yes total suck song from suck artist. Every Celine Dion song sucks, even the ones she hasn't released yet. Personally she's the reason why Canada should never get a free pass for anything.

49. I'm Too Sexy-Right Said Fred ... 1992

Bad song...Sure, but it's not offensively bad, more like annoying and lacking humor after the first couple listens.

48. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da-The Beatles ... 1968

Never heard it, so after a quick download and listen...Yeah it's the worst Beatles song ever but the worst Beatles song is much better than Celine Dion or Right Said Fred.

47. The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You-Bryan Adams ... 1996

The only thing that looks good on a Bryan Adams CD is fire.

46. Hangin' Tough-New Kids on the Block ... 1989

Okay, making fun of New Kids is like shooting fish in a barrel. However as bad as this song is it pales in comparison to Games, which they did during their "grown up" NKOTB era. Read the lyrics on this song, especially the rap. The "Beantown posse"???!

45. Mesmerize-Ja Rule featuring Ashanti ... 2002

Ahh yes, the great studio gangsta Ja Rule singing a lullaby. Very cute.

44. I'll Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)-Meat Loaf ... 1993

Nah, this is a damn okay song. A little overplayed? Sure, but worst than New Kids on the Block? C'mon Blender.

43. Follow Me-Uncle Kracker ... 2000

The passive aggressive rocker comes in at 43. Again not a terrible song but Uncle Kracker is a talentless hack so I'll let it slide.

42. The Sounds of Silence-Simon & Garfunkel ... 1965

Next time these two druggies promise me silence I want it! Especially if it's the alternative to this song.

41. We Didn't Start the Fire-Billy Joel ... 1989

Bullshit. Probably the coolest pop culture reference tune in recent years. I thought this song was extremely creative and interesting. He's also giving Gen X a free pass :)

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Sunday, May 02, 2004

Here's What the NBA Needs..

As I've been one of the few and proud viewers of the NBA Playoffs (Along with Scanlon, Bee Ranom, Brew and a few others) I've been thinking about what the Association needs and finally I got it.

The NBA needs a soundtrack CD. The best thing about the league is the songs associated with it. That Black Eye Peas playoff song, The LeBron Church Song, the Jadakiss/AI collaboration for the AI 6 sneakers? Who's with me, let's create an NBA sound track. What songs should be included?

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