The Cynic
A cynical spin on the news.
Friday, October 29, 2004

Election Predictor Part 1...

"There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, it's probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on ... shame on you. It fool me. We can't get fooled again." -- G-Dub.

Okay the first part of the great election predictor. This is the third election predictor I've done and I hit 49+D.C out of 50 in 1996 (Called on Dole to win Florida, he didn't) and 48+D.C. out of 50 in 2000 (called on Gore to win Florida and Tennessee, he didn't).

Now we're going to break this down into three parts: The Money Pot, The Bank Account and the Toss Ups.

The Money Pot means this is what each candidate has in the bank, these are the "blue" and "red" states. That whole big chunk of farm land out west where no one lives (Wyoming, Montana, a couple of Dakotas, and Idaho) are Bush places while the Northeast vacant states (Maine, Delaware, Vermont) are Kerry places. Simple enough? Here we go.

Red States Where No One Lives:
Alaska = 3 votes
North Dakota = 3 votes
South Dakota = 3 votes
Montana = 3 votes
Wyoming = 3 votes
Idaho = 4 votes
Utah = 5 votes
Kansas = 6 votes
Oklahoma = 7 votes
Nebraska = 5 votes
Total Electoral Votes: 42 votes. Basically about two votes per every 250,000 square miles.

Blue States Where No One Lives:
Maine = 4 votes
Rhode Island = 4 votes
Delaware = 3 votes
Vermont = 3 votes
Connecticut = 7 votes
Washington D.C. = 3 votes
Total Electoral Votes: 24 votes. Basically 2 votes per every three city blocks.

And that's the end of part 1. It's not very exciting I know, but it's a necessary evil and none of these states are even worth the time of breaking them down. And these are places that don't get a politcal rally, a visit, a commercial, nothing. They are basically complementary states -- each candidate gets a pull toy with a purchase of $20 or more.

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Thursday, October 28, 2004

A Whole Load of Junk..

You and Cheney in a little white carriage
That's what I call a real gay marriage
Sodomized by Halliburton whenever they please
You lucky you ain't got---venereal disease
And your pal running Californy
Groping women cos he's so horny
Arnold Fornicator, what a masturbator
Almost half as bad as Ralph Nader

-- David Boyle

I'd be wrong not to mention the musical genius known as David Boyle. Boyle ummm...inked the internet audioblog hit song G.W.P. The 'G', stands for George, the 'W' stands for...'W' and you can guess what the 'P' stands for.

It's sampled from Rick James' (bitch!) Superfreak and it sounds like it was recorded in a public restroom. That being said, the rhymes are ambitious and funny if nothing else and since GW can kiss my ass as well, I'm promoting it.

So go to the Tofu Hut and scroll down about 60-65% of the way for lyrics and the MP3 track for G.W.P.,. The hope is that we can get this young man a recording deal, mainly because he's 50 times better than William Hung.

Moving on.

I had a great time at Brew's farewell throwdown last night. I probably could've done without the $48 meal at the trendy, overpriced downtown steakhouse. But the filet went down easy. It was nice to see a lot of the Sentinel people that I don't see too often.

It was a festive event, at least until the final hour according to a source close to me, and I'm sad to see Brew go. I've only known the guy for a couple of years but it feels like I've known him forever, especially considering how hard it is to find NBA fans anymore.

I guess the only bad thing was Aline telling me, "your paper endorsed Bush right?"...Well NO, our PUBLISHER endorsed Bush and no one from the editorial staff was willing to write the endorsement in the paper. So the publisher did it himself. But I have no beefs with the man, he's old and white, who else would he vote for?

Moving on.

Tomorrow. I'm going to do my official Election Day predictor, state-by-state...I'll probably do it "roll call" style, like they do at the conventions....i.e. "We're representing the great state of Alabama, where the teeth-to-mouth ratio has climbed to a state record 5-to-1!!!. And we give our 23 delegates to John Kerry!!!...In 2000 I got 48 of the 50 states correct, I missed Wisconsin and Tennessee. Silly me thought Gore would actually carry his home state.

As for now, I need to write a column and go pay some bills. Enjoy.

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Congrats to the Sox...It's a historic day in sports and a much-deserved day of atonement for Sox fans across the world...Now could you guys just forgive Buckner??

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Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Ode to Brew


Good luck in the Lou, my friend.

Tomorrow (Wednesday) is the final send off for my friend Jerry Brewer. A few of us are going out to a dinner and then to downtown Orlando for some drinks and random debauchery.

Jerry or Brew as he is also known, is moving from his position as columnist at the Orlando Sentinel to a position as columnist at the Courier-Journal in Louisville.

I have to take credit in assisting Brew's move. Not that I wanted him to leave, but I also didn't want him to dress in women's clothing, which is what seems to work for sports columnists in Orlando. Nonetheless, I'll miss my friend of a few years.

However, before we send him off, I wanted to see if the opinions I have about Brew are shared by our peers in the sports journalist community. After thumbing through the internet, here are some of the words used to describe Brew:

--I've read Jerry's work a few times and he's always been solid.

--Great hire by Louisville... Brewer's a gem...

--A gem? Most of his stuff seems as plain as oatmeal to me.

--Sometime's solid is better than anything else.

Brew's a gem, but he's still plain as oatmeal. And that's the reason that he will be missed.



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Bad Joke

A couple has been married for 50 years on their anniversary the husband pulls out a strongbox and says these are my confessions to you.

The wife opens the box and sees three golf balls and $900 in it. She asks why he has three golf balls in there.

The husband replies -- "Everytime I cheated on you, I put a golf ball into the box"

The wife is upset but after a few minutes concedes that three times in 50 years isn't that bad. So she inquires about the $900.

The husband replies -- "Everytime I got a dozen golf balls I sold them"

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