The Cynic
A cynical spin on the news.
Thursday, March 11, 2004

Dutch Officials: "No More Sex With Ponies"

AMSTERDAM -- Two Dutch political parties called Wednesday for laws prohibiting sex with animals after a man suspected of having sex with a pony was set free.

Wearing nothing but a T-shirt, the man was arrested by police in Utrecht Monday after the pony's owner caught him by surprise in his stable.

"He was caught in the stable, busy with the pony, and was arrested for animal mistreatment," Mary Hallebeek, a prosecution spokeswoman said.

However, sex with animals isn't a crime.

"It's disgraceful," said a Dutch council represented while taking a puff out of his marijuana joint and propositioning a prostitute. "These sort of actions give our land a bad name."

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O'Reilly At War With 50 Cent.

Conversative talk-show host Bill O'Reilly continues his war against rappers and corporate sponsorships as he has now target Reebok and their alliance with rap superstar 50 Cent.

"Reebok should be ashamed of themselves," O'Reilly told the Boston Herald before his show last night. "They're embracing a guy who's hurting children."

O'Reilly has recently targeted other rappers like LudaCris, successfully ending the rapper's deals with Pepsi and Anheiser-Busch.

However, comments by the 50 Cent camp assure us that the rapper isn't scared of this challenge.

"Well if O'Reilly keeps talking, 50'll shoot him. End of story," said a member of the rapper's entourage named T-Neck.

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Tuesday, March 09, 2004

EchoStar lays the Smackdown on Viacom

First it was Janet Jackson's saggy breast and now Viacom has taken another has as Echostar, the company that runs The Dish Network (a.k.a. the satellite system for people too cheap to purchase DirecTV), has yanked Viacom programming from its directory of channels.

The move, which analysts say affects 1.6 million EchoStar viewers in major cities such as New York and Los Angeles, follows a lawsuit from EchoStar in January after a four-month deadlock over rates and conditions.

EchoStar said Viacom was illegally forcing its DISH Network to carry cable networks it does not want in order for it to retain the right to transmit CBS.

Viacom urged EchoStar customers to switch to another distributor.

"Yeah, I mean who the hell owns Dish Network anymore," said a Viacom spokesman. "It's like so 1993."

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Civil Rights Group: John Kerry is no black man of mine..

Furious over the charges that John Kerry (a.k.a. The Notorious J.F.K.) wants to be the "second black president" in the United States, the founder of the Andrew Young National Center for Social Change, Paul Diane Harris wants an apology.

"John Kerry is not a black man — he is a privileged white man who has no idea what it is in this country to be a poor white in this country, let alone a black man."

Spokesmen for Kerry said his comments were a lighthearted reference to Bill Clinton's success within the black community however, it doesn't appear that they will back down.

"Yo, Jiggie Smalls is where it's at fo shizzle," said a Kerry spokesman. "All you mark ass bustas need to raise him and respect J.F.K."

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Ashcroft Officially Gets Soul Removed...

As if there was any doubt, U.S. Attorney General and privacy rights opponent John Ashcroft is in surgery to have his rotten soul removed. While the White House administration is claiming this to be a gall bladder removal surgery , we here at The Cynics know better.

Watch this space for an update on how well the soul removal surgery went. While its officially not known what was the cause of Ashcroft's failing "gall bladder and pancreas", we'll assume it's the end result of a rash generated when he "wiped his ass with the Bill of Rights" according to Bill Maher.

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