The Cynic
A cynical spin on the news.
Thursday, March 18, 2004

Philly Proves to be Too Real for MTV

After squabbling with local unions, the producers of the MTV series The Real World yesterday gave up on Philadelphia as the site of its 15th season. Taping was to begin in three weeks.

"After considerable evaluation, we are disappointed to announce that Bunim/Murray Productions has decided not to shoot The Real World in Philadelphia," a spokeswoman for the company said yesterday afternoon. She declined to elaborate.

However, The Cynics has learned that Philadelphia residents were mostly upset because there were no written guarantees that a hot-tub orgy would be part of the first show.

"We've watched Las Vegas and I remember Steven and Trishelle and that other bitch in the tub doing a three-way," said one resident. "If its good enough for Vegas it's good enough for us!".

It's a matter of "preserving the way of life in Philadelphia," said Pat Gillespie, business manager of the Philadelphia Building Trades Council.






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Courtney Love: Fucked Up and Proud Of It

An old The Cynics favorite, wanna-be rocker and widow of overrated rocker Courtney Love pulled a popular double whammy yesterday. Love started her evening by stripping and flashing David Letterman while singing a few bars of "Danny Boy".

Love ended her evening by tossing a microphone stand at a man in a nightclub and getting thrown into the pen.

A police spokesman said Love was charged with assault and reckless endangerment after the 2:30 a.m. incident at an East Village nightclub. A court date for Love was not immediately set.

She threw a microphone stand into the audience and a 24-year-old man was injured in the head, police said. The name of the man was not released.

This comes on the heels of Love showing up two hours late for a court appearance and getting bitched out by the judge.

That case was rescheduled for April 15, however it's not certain if Love will live to see that day.

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Tennessee County Tries to Impose Bad on Gays...

DAYTON, Tenn. — Rhea County commissioners unanimously voted to ask state lawmakers to introduce legislation amending Tennessee's criminal code so the county can charge homosexuals with crimes against nature.

"We need to keep them out of here," said Commissioner J.C. Fugate, who introduced the motion that was passed 8-0 amongst the commissioners, most of whom are named "Jed" or "Wilbur".

The state senator who represents Rhea County, Tommy Kilby, D-Wartburg, said Wednesday he hadn't seen the resolution and couldn't comment on it until he did.

The same senator also couldn't comment on legislation that would ban bible-thumping assholes from running for local office in Tennessee.




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Monday, March 15, 2004

Putin Wins Easily But Faces Questions

MOSCOW (Reuters) -- Russian President Vladimir Putin has swept to four more years in the Kremlin after a runaway election triumph, but the party mood has been soured by Western criticism the poll had been undemocratic.

After winning a landslide 71 percent of the vote Putin shrugged off U.S. charges on Monday that he had denied his rivals fair media access in the campaign for Sunday's election.

U.S. President George W. Bush told Putin in a congratulatory phone call he's wants to know Putin's secret.

"I've done everything, stripped rights, raised missions, implemented the Patriot Act yet still these people had voting options," the president reportedly said to the Soviet leader. "How can I stop this! I don't wanna lose!"

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Mama's Crack House: Homemade Crack for over 70 years..

KINGS MOUNTAIN, N.C. -- A 96-year-old woman facing drug charges said she does not know how the crack cocaine deputies found on her got into her wheelchair because she keeps it in her prosthetic leg.

Julia Roberts (no, not that one) was charged with possession of crack with intent to sell and deliver, and with possessing a crack pipe, sheriff's officials said.

Roberts, who owns Mama's Crack Shack, brags that her crack has the best homemade taste because its "fresh from the pot and put right on the pipe."

"Been that way for 74 years," she boasted.

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New Spanish PM to President Bush: Kiss my Ass!

Spain's prime minister-elect, Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, vowed to withdraw troops from Iraq and criticised US President George W. Bush after Spanish voters ousted the government that dragged their country into the controversial war.

Bush and Blair, both of whom are facing elections in coming months, need to engage in "self-criticism," Zapatero said.

"You can't bomb a people" over a perceived threat, Zapatero said in comments coming five days before the first anniversary of the March 20 start of the war.

"You can't organise a war on the basis of lies," he said, alluding to Bush's and Blair's insistence the war was justified by their belief -- so far unfounded -- that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction that posed an imminent threat.

"Wars such as that which has occurred in Iraq only allow hatred, violence and terror to proliferate," he said.

This seems to be a start contrast from the White House's statement.

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President Bush to New Spanish PM: Congrats!

WASHINGTON -- President Bush congratulated Spain's newly elected Socialist prime minister on Monday and the White House said the two pledged to work together on fighting terrorism.

The victory of Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero of the opposition party was a setback for the Bush administration, which had received rock-solid support on the Iraq (news - web sites) war from departing Spanish Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar.

"The two leaders said they both looked forward to working together, particularly on our shared commitment to fighting terrorism," White House spokesman Scott McClellan said.

Oh really?

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