The Cynic
A cynical spin on the news.
Saturday, February 28, 2004

Guns Don't Kill People, I Do..

BOSTON -- Handgun maker Smith & Wesson Holding Corp. said on Thursday it will issue a statement about its chairman following a published report he resigned after a newspaper revealed he was jailed for armed robbery decades ago.

The Republican, a daily newspaper in Springfield, Massachusetts, reported on Thursday that Joseph Minder resigned as chairman of the company that makes the well-known .38 Special and .357 Magnum firearms.

Minder was named chairman of Smith & Wesson Holding Corp. just last month amid a board shake-up.

That's called knowing your customer base.


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Thursday, February 26, 2004

Greenspan: About the Social Security Thing...

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan warned Congress yesterday that the federal government has promised more retirement benefits than it can pay for and must consider scaling back those commitments soon to avoid damaging the economy in the future.

"I am just basically saying that we are overcommitted at this stage," Greenspan told members of the House Budget Committee as they discussed the future costs of the Social Security and Medicare systems.

Needless to say such a prognostication was not was people expected to hear.

"No Social Security, fuck him," said a soon-to-be retired worker at GM. "Mel Gibson's dad is right, we should hang his ass if I can't retire next year!"

Democrats also spoke against Greenspan's reccomendation with Sen. John Edwards calling it an outrage.

Ben Affleck also chimed in and continued bitching about the Yankees' payroll..

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Gibson's "Passion" Claims First Death

A Wichita woman died Wednesday after collapsing during an early-morning screening of "The Passion of the Christ."

Peggy Law Scott, 57, was attending a 9:30 a.m. showing of the movie with some co-workers from Clear Channel Radio when she collapsed about 20 minutes before the movie was to end at the east-side Warren Theatre.



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Kucinich Finishes Second!!!

In shocking news, the only proud vegan in this years presidential nomination primaries, Congressman Dennis Kucinich finished a strong second in Hawaii, receiving 50% of the vote in Maui and 30% total, collecting delegates for the first time as he creeps up on Al Sharpton.

Kucinich, considered one of the most liberal members of the House, was among a small group of Congress members to strongly oppose the Bush administration's decision to invade Iraq last year. Kucinich stayed on the island for a post-caucus speech where he promised to go on.

"Al...You're next big boy!" he said to great cheers as he focuses on Rev. Al Sharpton. "Everyone said old Dennis was dead, even M.C. Hammer wouldn't endorse me! But Hammer, lemme tell you once thing, you might wear baggy pants and kick funky rhymes but you will play for abandoning my quest!"


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Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Paige Demands Attacks on NEA

Move over Osama and Al-Queda, White House education secretary Rod Paige has comfirmed the next organization of evil terrorists -- The NEA.

Democratic Governor Jim Doyle of Wisconsin said Paige's words were, "The NEA is a terrorist organization."

The White House has rejected the NEA's plea to axe him.

Paige said later in an interview that his comment was "a bad joke; it was an inappropriate choice of words." President Bush was not present at the time Paige made the remark.

"As one who grew up on the receiving end of insensitive remarks, I should have chosen my words better," said Paige, the first black education secretary.

Paige followed up this comment by saying "Did you hear the one about the Jew and the dutch oven?"




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Clear Channel Says Bye to Bubba

Shock Jock wanna-be and radio jackass Bubba The Love Sponge was fired today by Clear Channel Programming company a month after the company was fined a record $755,000 by the FCC due to some of the show's more racy antics.

The decision comes two days before lawmakers in Congress again will take up the issue of the growing coarseness of programming on the nation's television and radio airwaves, this time to hear from the broadcasters.

Clear Channel Radio Chief Executive John Hogan will be among half a dozen executives who will testify before the House Commerce subcommittee on telecommunications and the Internet.

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Nader Announces Fund-Raising Schedule...

As we here follow the campaign of presidency for third-party consumer advocate Ralph Nader, we've received new information on his fund-raising efforts to support his drive to get on the ballot in all 50 states.

Here are some excerpts from his conversation on the Jim Lehrer Hour..

JIM LEHRER: A process question -- do you have a campaign plan, how you're going to raise money, how much money you're going to need, how you're going to get your name on the ballots of the 50 states, et cetera?

RALPH NADER: Yes. The civil liberty of the third parties is an issue in this campaign for us, there are about 14 states there are difficult, Georgia, North Carolina, Texas, Indiana, Illinois, Oklahoma, they run about 30,000 to 100,000 signatures. However, my orginization is running a "Vote Nader" car wash next week in Charlotte, North Carolina at the Sunoco station off Carolina Av. and Tempest St.

JIM LEHRER: Do you think, realistically, do you think you can raise enough money to get your message, that you just said to me and you've said to others, over to everybody in this country who is going to vote?

RALPH NADER: Yes, I think so because we're going to work on precinct by precinct. We're going to get lots of volunteers, it's really quite well thought through, in fact it's inspired by a little manual Abraham Lincoln wrote on how to get the vote out, which is as timely today as it was then. The Web of course is a great opportunity to get the word out. And another great way to raise money is through a bake sale. If you visit my website, you can buy a box of Nader's Own Blueberry Muffins for $500 a dozen.

Nader also said that he's selling King Sized Reese's Cups and bags of Skittles for $1 apiece.

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Tuesday, February 24, 2004

The Bush Empire Strikes Back

WASHINGTON — President Bush began his re-election effort Monday by ridiculing his chief rival and casting the election as a choice between steadfast leadership and weakness in the face of danger.

“For tax cuts and against them. … For liberating Iraq and opposed to it,” he said, ticking off several other examples and adding the punch line: “And that's just one senator from Massachusetts.”

The comment brought laughter from the audience of GOP governors so Bush continued rolling.

"And another about that Senator, he ugly," cracked Bush. "He's so ugly that Arnold wouldn't let him participate in that orgy with the black chick!"

That comment wasn't as well received.

To his credit that senator, a.k.a John Kerry snapped back with some sharp comments of his own.

"I think George Bush is on the run, and I think he's on the run because he doesn't have a record to run on," Kerry told reporters after two campaign appearances here.

After that stump speech, the new wave 80s band 'A Flock of Seagulls' endorsed Kerry.

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Monday, February 23, 2004

Nader Runs; Voters Snear...

Since when has having "no shot to succeed" ever stopped Ralph Nader before? The bitter senior advocate has decided to throw his hat in the ring and run for president again. Nader ran for the presidency in 2000 and according to many insiders he is the main reason that George W. Bush "defeated" Al Gore for the presidency.

"This is a huge mistake because Nader's not going to get a small fraction of the votes he got in 2000," said one political insider. "For one thing people who didn't vote for Bush the first time will be voting for a replacement this time rather than to send a message. Also no one knows what he does. A senior advocate for what? Shuffleboard?".

Howard Dean supporters took it a step farther.

Yesterday, many of the entries in the online journal blogforamerica.com, operated by the Dean campaign, echoed the former governor's exhortation. One writer penned: "Ralph Nader is the Ted Kazinski [sic] of the presidential candidates. He should grow a beard and go live in a shack in the woods. He is the Unibomber [sic] Candidate."


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Depp Shocks All Wins SAG Award For Best Actor

Former 21 Jump Street "star" Johnny Depp shook up the hype for next weeks Oscars by winning the Screen Actors Guild Award for his role as...someone...in Pirates of the Caribbean. Depp's victory was considered a major upset over favorite Sean Penn.

As for the rest of the awards from the Oscar's preview show. Charlize Theron won for both Best Actress and Nicest Ass; Tim Robbins won for Best Supporting Actor and shocked favorite Alec Baldwin for Best Hollywood Liberal.

Renee Zellwegger wins her second straight SAG award, this time a Best Supporting Actress award for Cold Mountain and also picked up the Person So Nice You'd Forget She Was From Texas award and Best Actress Who Makes an Extra 30 Pounds Look Sexy award.

Finally the good folks at Lord of the Rings won the Best Cast Ensemble Award for the third chapter of their 10-hour trilogy: Lord of the Rings - The Return of The King. This is a crucial award as Chicago won the same award last year and went on to win the Best Picture statuette. LotR also picked up the award from Best Group of Fans Who Scare Casual Moviegoers From Watching the Movie beating out every Kevin Smith production.

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