The Cynic
A cynical spin on the news.
Saturday, April 02, 2005

Enter The Caption Contest (#5)


Live from Jerusalem, the Trinity Broadcast Network presents the final table of the World Series of Poker!

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Friday, April 01, 2005

Dead or Alive...

After a week like this...We need to go to the scorecards.

Terri Schiavo? Dead (finally)...[The Ledger]

Johnnie Cochran? Dead of brain tumor. [NYT]

The Pope? Still alive, but barely. Actually he's probably dead but the Vatican isn't admitting it yet. Nope, he's a goner too [CNN]

Keith Richards? Somehow still alive. [Bloomberg]

Scott Peterson? Will die soon. [AP Wire]

Robert Blake? Alive, free, broke and looking for work. [Houston Chroncle]

Mitch Hedberg? Dead after OD. [Baltimore Sun]

Frank Perdue? Just recently dead. [NPR]

Pat Buchanan? He's likes extra dressing on the side. [CNN]

Bill Kristol? Creamed. [Movie File]

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Thursday, March 31, 2005

The Pain Is Over...

...Now that Terri Schiavo is dead [Miami Herald], it would be nice for the family rivalry to end. This woman obviously suffered over the last 15 years and now she can finally rest in peace.

However, we know that ain't gonna happen. As a matter of fact the grudge has just started. Right away the family's priest is going after Terri husband, Michael, calling his "heartless" and "cruel" (I guess he must've skipped the whole forgiveness course offered to men of god) and then sent a backhanded insult to the government with this zinger [MSNBC]:
“This is not only a death, with all the sadness that brings, but this is a killing, and for that we not only grieve that Terri has passed but we grieve that our nation has allowed such an atrocity as this and we pray that it will never happen again.”

Now don't get me wrong I'm not a fan of either my state or national administration and it's going to kill me to defend them, but...what the fuck? Do this people realize how much justice the Emperors of Bush tried to obstruct to keep this woman alive? They completely tied up the judicial system at several different levels to help this ONE woman. They ignored their promise to of millions of an efficient, working, fair government in order to deal with this ONE woman.

Every day it was government issued appeal after appeal, the Republicans gathered around at midnight to vote on a piece of legislation that they knew wouldn't survive the courts for this ONE woman. And you people have the nerve to criticize them with commons like this:
“He could have done something,” Patrick Bautch said. “He was supposed to be for life and he neglected his role. ... The value of human life has just gone down the drain.”

I'm glad I'm not George Bush (for several reasons), because today I'd conjure up the biggest FUCK YOU I could scream and shout it out on NBC, ABC, CNN, MTV, BET and Bravo just so all of you could hear it. He wasted weeks when he could've been screwing over the common man to feed the egos of the moral right and just like that you guys turn on your hero.

I guess being President is a thankless job. God I can't believe I just defended that clown...

Ummm....Fuck you Dick Cheney!

Ahh I feel better.

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Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Johnnie Cochran Dead

And there goes Michael Jackson's best chance to beat his molestation charge.

In all seriousness, the San Francisco Chronicle had the best obituary I've read so far [link]. It goes into detail about the good and the not so good in this very interesting figure in American culture. And his record and skills as a lawyer are without question, the best known lawyer since Perry Mason and equally as dynamic in the courtroom.

Also I appreciated the fact that he seemed to enjoy a lot of the parody that was made about him. Often times people in a similar position take themselves too seriously *coughBobShapirocough*, but Cochran knew when to laugh at himself.

He's also the inspiration behind my favorite Seinfeld character.

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Sunday, March 27, 2005

The Power of the Plug...

Well I said I'd talk about the mess that is Terri Schiavo and I'm going to bear that cross today as her parents have basically given up the fight...[Buffalo News]. And told the supporters to go home and be with their children (as opposed to sending them with glasses of water so they can get arrested I suppose). [Reuters]
"The family would request that everyone go home, be with your children, hold them close and share every moment you have with them," said Brother Paul O'Donnell, a Franciscan monk whois a spiritual adviser to the Schindlers.

And the children are a good place to start. Over the last two days I've seen many kids, young kids, pre-teens get arrested for trying to bring Schiavo a glass of water, certainly doing so upon the orders of some stupid ass adults who are too afraid to make the stand themselves. [AP]

So these kids are getting arrested, riding in the back of a meat wagon off to juvenile hall, being processed, being detained and going through an extremely traumatic process. Why would any parent want their kid to go through that? What could they possibly be teaching them by going through such a process? Where's the respect for the law from these great pro-America, pro-life, pro-war, pro-death penalty Americans? Isn't respect for the law part of the "moral code"? I guess not.

And for the protesters. I respect protesting, I respect the power of the people sending a message that they are unhappy. It's been heard but the law is the law and the judges that these people are insulting aren't denying these appeals because they want someone to die, they are doing it because it's their job to carry out the laws of the land. Despite how much Emperor Bush and his brother think the Constitution is equivalent to that of a piece of toilet paper to wipe their ass on, there are some who (thankfully) believe that no one person is above the law.

But the protesters, you've been heard. I hope some of you use the same energy you've spent traveling to my fair state and start food drives and increase awareness of food banks in your own communities. There are many non-vegetative persons that are suffering from poverty in this country and although bringing them a glass of water and a pizza won't get you on the news (nor will it get you arrested) it will make someone's life a little better and they will actually say "thank you".

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