The Cynic
A cynical spin on the news.
Friday, March 05, 2004

Rowling Targets 8th Potter Book

Not willing to give her longhands the rest to spend the billion dollars she's worth, author J.K. Rowling plans an 8th Harry Potter Book and this time she promises a new, grown up Harry.

She promised the latest book would include more romance for the boy wizard, but hinted he would also face a terrible ordeal. She added that she planned to try a "completely different genre" of writing when she has finished the seventh book, but did not specify.

However, we at the Cynics have learned that Harry Potter: Bitches, Big Screen TVs and 40s is in the works. Harry decides to do away with the magic in the wand and start doing the magic in the bedroom.

"We can't release all the plans right now," said a representative from Rowling, speaking under anonymity. "But Harry is going to bring the Hogwarts from the wizard club to the strip club."

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FCC Targets Stern; Stern Snaps Back..

The Federal Communications Commission will continue its assualt on free speech by hanging a new set of fines of "indecency" on radio. The FCC's target? None other than Howard Stern.

However, Howard isn't going down without a fight as the self-proclaimed "King of all Media" came out swinging on the Bush administration.

"My days here are numbered because I dared to speak out against the Bush administration and say that the religious agenda of George W. Bush concerning stem cell research and gay marriage is wrong," Stern continued. "And that what he is doing with the FCC is pushing this religious agenda. And also the fact that the guy takes more vacation than any President ever. It's time for him to leave. Having said that pushed me off the air in six markets."


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Don't Leave us Bill...

One of the fallouts from last week's snoozefest Oscars broadcast was the apparent annoyance by Bill Murray, who "shocked" on-lookers by not clapping for Best Actor recipient Sean Penn.

According to British newspaper The Sun, Murray later shouted at organizers, "If I knew this was going to happen, I wouldn't have bothered coming."

And later an Oscar representative said, "If we knew Peter Jackson wasn't going to shave or wear a better fitting suit, we wouldn't have invited him."


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Thursday, March 04, 2004

Democrats: Nader is Going to Screw This Up..

The fears of the left have been realized: Ralph Nader is going to fuck this one up too. The recent AP poll lists President Bush and likely Democratic nominee John Kerry almost deadlocked in the polls with Nader taking a healthy 6 percent of the vote, seeming the percentage that Kerry had enjoyed over the last couple of weeks.

Since Nader entered the race Feb. 22, campaign strategists and political analysts have been trying to assess the impact of another presidential bid by the consumer activist whom Democrats blame for Al Gore's loss in 2000.

Kerry, who had solid backing from 28 percent of the voters, was running strong among minorities, people with low incomes, single people, older voters, Catholics, Jews and anyone else who hasn't seen "The Passion of The Christ"

Bush, who had solid backing from 37 percent, performed well among whites, men, Protestants, homeowners, suburban dwellers, oil owners, embattled Enron CEOs and Mel Gibson's father.



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Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Kerry: "We Need a Homeboy in Da House"

Soon to be official Democratic nominee John Kerry has been chided on his inconsisent record. However, such a claim doesn't concern the Massachusetts who has offered to give up his status as a white male in order to be president.

"President Clinton (news - web sites) was often known as the first black president. I wouldn't be upset if I could earn the right to be the second," he told the American Urban Radio Network.

"It's time to take back da house from whitey," added the Senator. "We got Huckleberry Hound in that mug and we need Snoop Dogg."

After the interview Kerry picked up a key endorsement from acclaimed flimmaker Spike Lee.

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Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Don't Piss Me Off Or I'll Kill....Me??

DALLAS -- Hotheaded men who explode with anger seem to be at greater risk of stroke or death, research shows. Their risk is even greater than men who are simply stressed-out Type A personalities.

Angry women, on the other hand, don't run as high a risk of having a stroke or heart problems, according to a study released Monday in the American Heart Association journal Circulation.

The study showed that men who express their anger have a 10 percent greater risk than non-hostile men of developing an atrial fibrillation, a heart flutter that 2 million Americans have. It is non-threatening for many, but it can also increase the risk of stroke.

Men who unleashed their anger were also 20 percent more likely to have died from any cause during the study.

''There has been a perception that you can dissipate the negative health effects of anger by letting anger out instead of bottling it up,'' said Dr. Elaine Eaker, lead researcher and president of Eaker Epidemiology Enterprises in Chili, Wis. ''But that was not the case in this study.''

Eaker instead says that just grabbing a gun and blowing someone's head away will eliminate your anger and the problem.

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Stern: "Let's Get Bush Outta There"

In today's radio, it's very difficult to find a left-ist voice to overshadow that of conservative hosts Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. However, things seem to be changing, between the new "liberal" radio network starring social commentator Al Franken and now recent anti-Bush administration comments made by shock jock Howard Stern.

"I might be taken off all the stations very soon, and my last words to you are 'G.W.B.,' " Stern told listeners yesterday.

"Get him out of office. I'm tellin' you, man, he's in dangerous territory [with] a religious agenda and you gotta vote him out - anyone but Bush," Stern railed.

Stern, who's no stranger to politics having run a failed campaign to become New York's governor in 1994, will put his King of all Media moniker to the test on this fight.

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