The Cynic
A cynical spin on the news.
Friday, February 18, 2005

When You're Hungry

Check this out.

The most recent injection had the following for his final meal.

a beef steak, medium rare with A1 Sauce, three fried chicken breast, three fried chicken thighs, BBQ ribs, a large order of french fries, a large order of onion rings, a pound of fried bacon, a dozen scrambled eggs with onions, fried tatters with onions, sliced tomatoes, a salad with ranch dressing, two hamburgers with everything, peach pie or cobbler, ketchup, salt and pepper, milk and coffee, ice tea with real sugar.

Hmmm why the salad?

Nonetheless this brings up an exercise, something that can reveal alot about you. What's in your refrigerator/freezer? I'll itemize mine.

Refrigerator

Drinks: Grapefruit juice, 2% milk, water, pitcher of lemonade, 11 cans of Wild Cherry Pepsi, pomgranite juice, two bottles of Dannon strawberry smooties, four bottles of Corona, 10 bottles of Yuengling, a couple of Bass ales, probably a Smirnoff Ice, vodka spiked with about 500 Apple jolly ranchers, margarita mix, pina colada mix.

Condiments: You name it. Mustard, Ketchup, BBQ sauce, tartar sauce, two bottles of lite ranch dressing, one bottle of italian pesto dressing, mayo-style salad dressing, peanut butter, jelly, two cans of salsa, a bar of lite margarine (an oxymoron, yes I know).

Food: Three cups of yogurt, two cups of oranges, a bowl of white grapes, a bowl of pineapple, half of a garden salad from Palace Pizza, half of loaf of wheat bread, canadian bacon, liquid egg whites, applesauce, a couple of pre packaged salads, deli chipped top round roast beef from Publix and butterkase cheese.

Extras: The obligatory box of baking soda I should've removed 12 months ago.

As for the Freezer

Food: Snow crab legs, twin-pack of sirloin, one flank steak, two packages of chicken breasts, five packages of frozen vegetables, one Tony's Italian Ice, about 12 popscicles, a ham steak, frozen strawberries, frozen mixed berries, frozen shrimp, frozen flounder, frozen Ore-Ida fries, frozen biscuits.

Extras: The obligatory box of baking sode I should've removed 12 months ago.

I really need to clean out my fridge...

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Monday, February 14, 2005

Valentine's Day 2K5!

First and foremost a quick word on Gainesville.

I'm not going. Why? Because there are no pro sports and no airports. There are more reasons than that but it's all boring news stuff.

Happy Valentine's Day to all my female fans. I have a few cards circulating through the USPS and if you get one, you know why. This year's Valentine? Definitely my mom just because she keeps Dad and I under control. And she's a pretty strong woman.

Moving on.

The Grammys were...Grammy-esque. I totally missed the whole Los Lonely Boys revolution. I just thought they were some fake band Apple created to push iPods. No lie.

I'm extremely happy Gretchen Wilson didn't win the best new artist because everytime I hear "Redneck Woman" a bunch of 20-something chicks scream "This is MY song!!" and I look at them and say "You are so NOT my solumate". Plus Kellie thinks she's trash. Personally I see no reason to brag about being a redneck. It's the equivalent of Li'l Kim coming out with a song called "Ghetto Bitch"...

Hmmm...*IS* there a song called "Ghetto Bitch?" A quick look at "Ghetto bitch lyrics" on Google brought up the following results.

Now there *IS* a song called "Project Bitch" by Mannie Fresh and Baby (a.k.a Big Tymers) but I'm getting way to into hip-hop for 90% of my audience.

BTW Maroon 5 wins Best New Artist for a CD that dropped in 2002. Apparently The Bee Gees were the odds on favorite.

Ray Charles proves what Eric Clapton always knew, death = recognition. I think the Grammys really yearn to be one big memorial service.

Moving on.

While picking off the Jose Canseco book today I also grabbed the latest issue of Men's Health and unsurprisingly there's one thing I want to share -- Feel Better in 5 Minutes.

Here are the 18 ways to feel better in Five minutes. They are mood lifters and life changes with no waiting. As always my suggestions are in bold and my comments are in italics.

Here we go:

1) Sit in silence and count backward from 300. That's a 5-minute chunk of life gone to the gods, buddy. Do you miss it? Good. Now you see that killing time is a subtle form of suicide.

2) Hey, see that car wash? Pull in. A shower and shave for your ride polishes the brass on your balls.

3) Grab your girl and do whatever playful thing it is you do to brighten her day. A quick tango. A well-timed foot rub. A little flailing in the foyer. Attack Now!

4) Unless you're lunching with the boss, no workday meal needs to last more than five minutes. Trail mix, yogurt, some fresh fruit at your desk. Now you've saved time to exercise and get home at a reasonable hour.

5) Coffee-free break #1: Put you favorite song on headphones. Loud. Some "Sympathy for the Devil," perhaps? Feel better? Good, now get back to work.

6) Tell the younglings an anytime, anyplace story. Start with "Once Upon a time, a man rode a horse into a forest." Make the rest up as you go. Marvel at how quickly they shut up.

7) Shred some old bank statements. Feels good, right? Very Enron-after-dark.

8) Go to an online bank site and open a savings account that will automatcially deduct five percent of your net pay from your checking account every payday. Now, here's the important part; Forget the account exists.

9) Return that one call you don't want to return. Cut it off after 5; you now officially have better things to do.

10) Put up a new light fixture. You'll transform the room's dynamic. And it impresses women because any man who can perform basic electrical work is a man without fear.

11) You owe somebody, somewhere a thank-you note.

12) Stretch your hamstrings. Makes every muscle feel better doesn't it?

13) Self-abuse never hurts.

14) Coffee-Free Break #2: Three sets of 20 pushups. You don't even have to loosen your tie. (I would think sit ups, squats and any other exercise are acceptable)

15) Great game when you're stuck in traffic: "What's that guy going that I haven't?" Whatever it is, note your attitude toward that item or trait. You now have a good idea what's motivating you these days.

16) Coffee-Free Break #3: Keep a funny book on hand. Some George Carlin, some David Sedaris, some old Calvin and Hobbes (my suggestion is "Rock This" Chris Rock's autobiography is less than $10). Make five pages your 3 p.m. ritual.

17) She won't mind when the alarm clock goes off five minutes early tomorrow morning if she goes off soon after it.

18) While you're in the line at the store, zone out on what's bothering you the most about your life. Give yourself from now until the checkout cutie scans your first item to decide how you wil solve this problem. See, you already know what the hell needs to be done. You're just not doing it yet.

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Sunday, February 13, 2005

Thoughts on Gainesville...

Well it's been a few days since that olive branch was extended and here are some thoughts from the people I've talked to.

"Oh no. Please don't move back there. There's nothing but a college and farmland," -- Mom

"Doesn't sound like a smart career move, my lad," -- Dad

"You have NFL, NBA, Spring Training, NHL, two airports and a lot of things close by...Gainesville is the Gators," -- Slick Rick

"I hope you don't go, but you gotta do when you gotta do," -- Dick

"You don't want to be a fucking administrator and put up with that bullshit. You're a columnist, that's your talent and that's what you need to be concentrating on," -- Rousos

Needless to say, there hasn't been a groundswell of support for Hogtown yet.

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