The Cynic
A cynical spin on the news.
Monday, February 14, 2005

Valentine's Day 2K5!

First and foremost a quick word on Gainesville.

I'm not going. Why? Because there are no pro sports and no airports. There are more reasons than that but it's all boring news stuff.

Happy Valentine's Day to all my female fans. I have a few cards circulating through the USPS and if you get one, you know why. This year's Valentine? Definitely my mom just because she keeps Dad and I under control. And she's a pretty strong woman.

Moving on.

The Grammys were...Grammy-esque. I totally missed the whole Los Lonely Boys revolution. I just thought they were some fake band Apple created to push iPods. No lie.

I'm extremely happy Gretchen Wilson didn't win the best new artist because everytime I hear "Redneck Woman" a bunch of 20-something chicks scream "This is MY song!!" and I look at them and say "You are so NOT my solumate". Plus Kellie thinks she's trash. Personally I see no reason to brag about being a redneck. It's the equivalent of Li'l Kim coming out with a song called "Ghetto Bitch"...

Hmmm...*IS* there a song called "Ghetto Bitch?" A quick look at "Ghetto bitch lyrics" on Google brought up the following results.

Now there *IS* a song called "Project Bitch" by Mannie Fresh and Baby (a.k.a Big Tymers) but I'm getting way to into hip-hop for 90% of my audience.

BTW Maroon 5 wins Best New Artist for a CD that dropped in 2002. Apparently The Bee Gees were the odds on favorite.

Ray Charles proves what Eric Clapton always knew, death = recognition. I think the Grammys really yearn to be one big memorial service.

Moving on.

While picking off the Jose Canseco book today I also grabbed the latest issue of Men's Health and unsurprisingly there's one thing I want to share -- Feel Better in 5 Minutes.

Here are the 18 ways to feel better in Five minutes. They are mood lifters and life changes with no waiting. As always my suggestions are in bold and my comments are in italics.

Here we go:

1) Sit in silence and count backward from 300. That's a 5-minute chunk of life gone to the gods, buddy. Do you miss it? Good. Now you see that killing time is a subtle form of suicide.

2) Hey, see that car wash? Pull in. A shower and shave for your ride polishes the brass on your balls.

3) Grab your girl and do whatever playful thing it is you do to brighten her day. A quick tango. A well-timed foot rub. A little flailing in the foyer. Attack Now!

4) Unless you're lunching with the boss, no workday meal needs to last more than five minutes. Trail mix, yogurt, some fresh fruit at your desk. Now you've saved time to exercise and get home at a reasonable hour.

5) Coffee-free break #1: Put you favorite song on headphones. Loud. Some "Sympathy for the Devil," perhaps? Feel better? Good, now get back to work.

6) Tell the younglings an anytime, anyplace story. Start with "Once Upon a time, a man rode a horse into a forest." Make the rest up as you go. Marvel at how quickly they shut up.

7) Shred some old bank statements. Feels good, right? Very Enron-after-dark.

8) Go to an online bank site and open a savings account that will automatcially deduct five percent of your net pay from your checking account every payday. Now, here's the important part; Forget the account exists.

9) Return that one call you don't want to return. Cut it off after 5; you now officially have better things to do.

10) Put up a new light fixture. You'll transform the room's dynamic. And it impresses women because any man who can perform basic electrical work is a man without fear.

11) You owe somebody, somewhere a thank-you note.

12) Stretch your hamstrings. Makes every muscle feel better doesn't it?

13) Self-abuse never hurts.

14) Coffee-Free Break #2: Three sets of 20 pushups. You don't even have to loosen your tie. (I would think sit ups, squats and any other exercise are acceptable)

15) Great game when you're stuck in traffic: "What's that guy going that I haven't?" Whatever it is, note your attitude toward that item or trait. You now have a good idea what's motivating you these days.

16) Coffee-Free Break #3: Keep a funny book on hand. Some George Carlin, some David Sedaris, some old Calvin and Hobbes (my suggestion is "Rock This" Chris Rock's autobiography is less than $10). Make five pages your 3 p.m. ritual.

17) She won't mind when the alarm clock goes off five minutes early tomorrow morning if she goes off soon after it.

18) While you're in the line at the store, zone out on what's bothering you the most about your life. Give yourself from now until the checkout cutie scans your first item to decide how you wil solve this problem. See, you already know what the hell needs to be done. You're just not doing it yet.

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