The Cynic
A cynical spin on the news.
Monday, September 19, 2005

Sending 'Em Home...

There was a funny line in last week's Bill Simmons column [Link].

Q: Please help settle a long-standing debate a friend and I have going. How far did Zack Morris get with Kelly Kapowski?-- Jonathan Chavez, Cambridge, Mass.

SG: I was thinking about bothering my new ESPN colleague Mario Lopez with this one (sorry, I just had to see how that looked in print) before deciding to take this one myself. I don't think Zack sealed the deal until the "College Years" ... and that show never happened. So I'm going with third base. And I mean "third base" in the context of when the show happened (the early-'90s), not what "third base" means now, which is probably something like "a threesome that isn't videotaped."

*****

I must agree with him in one aspect. "The College Years" never happened..despite Thiessen's amazing climb up the Alba scale during the show's season.

Anyway I bolded the end of his answer because it's become one of those most interesting things about human sexuality. "The bases" are so much different now than what they were in the 70s, 80s, and 90s.

There's really no need to introduce you to the original bases. I think we all know what's first, second, third and inevitably a home run, but what about today? In this era of the sex revolution I'm convinced getting to second base is the equivalent of a pregnancy scare. Is sex even part of the diamond anymore? Does a home run include participation from a gimp and garden utensils?

You tell me. I want everyone's (and I mean EVERYONE'S) definition of what first base, second base, third base and a home run is these days. Go for broke!

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