The Cynic
A cynical spin on the news.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005

It Doesn't Matter If They Black or White...

...but interracial weddings rule all. (Names have been changed to protect the innocent)...

I know this guy, we'll call him DeWayne and when I say I know him, I mean just that...I don't know him well, heck I've only met the kid three times, but he invited me to his wedding with his girlfriend...ummm Barbie...

In the normal realm of things, it's not a big deal. Everyone who knows me knows my thoughts on marriage (hate it) and weddings (love 'em) and this marriage is quite the social event so it's natural that a social butterfly such as myself would be there. However, my friend (hmmm) Roman is DeWayne's friend from college and he wasn't even invited. So you can imagine Roman's surprise when I got my RSVP. Anyway, it's been bugging Roman to the point of where I'm probably going to let him tag along. I was thinking about taking one of my white female friends just for shits and giggles and my friend Johnny (also very white) suggested I take his wife and kids for the ultimate laugh....I have to admit, that would be pretty damn funny.

Before I go on I must say I'm not blind here...DeWayne invited me because he's needs some extra brothers there in case shit goes down. I mean he doesn't know me at all. But at a wedding of this magnitude, there's always a good chance that shit could go wrong. I mean if one of Barbie's uncles or something gets out of line, he needs 3-4 men he can call on to kick the shit out of the guy...And I'm more than willing to be that person for a day...and access to an open bar.

However I must say I love nothing more than the possibilities that a good interracial marriage reception brings. There are really some prime scenarios:

  • The drunken mother-in-law toast: This could offend everyone with the right amount of liquor. I'm going to try to cozy up to one side of the mothers and get her absolutely plastered. I'm talking a couple dozen Jagerbombs here. I want her blood alcohol level to rival that of Jack Osborne's. If the toast starts with "Well when Barbie told us she found the man of her dreams, we never expected it to be Kanye West..." I'll know I did my job.
  • The uniracial electric slide: The electric slide is one of the great dances of the modern era. I'm surprised no one has written a play based on this jig. Still is there not a better dance to relieve tension in a room? I mean everyone remembers that 90210 episode when Shaw was supposed to face West Beverly in the football game and it didn't happen so Brandon invited the Shaw kids to the West Beverly dance and they were about to face off until...they started doing the electric slide. The dance just works.
  • The curious teenager: Usually one of my favorites is when the almost 18-year-old future hottie is grinding with one of the groom's frat brothers who happens to be in his late 20s. The faces of horror from the hottie's parents is worth a price of admission. However, in this case there's a 50/50 chance that one of Barbie's younger siblings ends up grinding with DeWayne's younger cousin that looks a little too much like Jamie Foxx...Yeah, this could be GREAT.
  • Pressuring the DJ to Play Three Dog Night: Hey It could happen.
  • The Open Bar Runs Out of Hennessy: At that point DeWayne is officially on his own...for better or worse.

Anyway I'll let you, my faithful audience, know how things turn out. Until then I'm going to join the rest of the liberals in our new War on Christmas...And to all my Jewish readers (all one of you) I say Happy Hanukkah or Chanukah...I'm really not sure which one is right...

I remember last year my Ledger Edge made me call her boss' daughter to see if they go out and buy a Hanukkah tree. Of course if you ask my Ledger Edge she'll claim I was the culprit...Yes always blame me, I look guilty :)


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