The Cynic
A cynical spin on the news.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Random Musings..

From work to scrolling through the mall looking for a birthday gift for my mother.

I hate three real douche bags call the office Sunday looking for a fight. Two of them I disposed of quickly (I always threaten to cancel their subscriptions) but the third one was particularly funny.

*ring *ring* *ring*

Me: Sports

Douche: I need to know some scores.

Me: Okay, 9-1, ummm 12-2, 14-6, 21-28.

Douche: *laughs* Naw man from the Jamboree games.

Me: Ummm, spring football.

Douche: Yeah.

Me: They will probably be in the paper on Wednesday with the prep section once the editor gets in touch with all the football coaches.

Douche: So y'all didn't cover them.

Me: Nope. Didn't have the manpower.

Douche: Don't you have reporters there.

Me: Yep.

Douche: But you didn't cover them.

Me: Nope.

Douche: Well that's just great. Why wouldn't you cover spring football.

Me: Did the games count?

Douche: No.

Me: So the question is...Why WOULD we cover spring football. Those games were Friday right?

Douche: Some were Saturday.

Me: But the majority of them were Friday correct?

Douche: Yes.

Me: And we had a couple of softball teams going for state champions in games that did count so we opted to focus on that instead of games that didn't count.

Douche: *silence*

Me: You there?

Douche: I just want to know why you didn't cover them.

Me: What school were you wondering about?

Douche: Fort Meade.

Me: Oh, well that's easy. We don't like to cover Fort Meade.

Douche: I thought you said you had softball stuff.

Me: Ahh, so you were listening?

Douche: Yeah...But I mean what kind of paper doesn't cover spring football games?

Me: Ok, this is going nowhere...Is there anything else I can help you with.

Douche: I just wanted to know what happened in the Fort Meade game.

Me: No, see I asked is there anything else *I* can help you with. I can't help you with that.

Douche: Well my son was in the game.

Me: And why didn't you go?

Douche: Because we're not getting along. He's an offensive lineman.

Me: Well I'm sorry you aren't getting along but I hate to tell you that we don't really do a lot of in-game reporting on specific offensive linemen

Douche: So let me get this straight, you don't cover the games and you don't write about the linemen?

Me: Well no we don't usually cover sporting events that don't count, unless its and all-star game or something. And no, it's rare that an offensive lineman will do enough in a game to get reported on.

Douche: That's unbelievable.

Me: So you're upset that we couldn't give you information about your son because you aren't able to do it?

Douche: Well yeah.

Me: I think it's time for you to find another newspaper.

*click*


-- I got my copy of Season 2 of Chappelle's Show, it seems to be more of a finders item since there's no guarantee there will be a Season 3.

-- I hate malls. I needed to get that out. I really really hate them. The propaganda gets annoying.

-- American Greetings is like the Wal-Mart of card stores. There's plenty of selection, but all of it sucks. Meanwhile I walk right across the way to Hallmark and there are tons of goodies. Some people can make good cards, others can't.

-- Donald Trump has a new fragrance, in case you've always wondered what a rich asshole smells like.

-- Ken Jennings is getting his own gameshow. [CNN] Apparently it's going to be like "Win Ben Stein's Money" except that Ben Stein has a personality.

-- Speaking of Jennings, the Ultimate Jeopardy championship started yesterday with Jennings and two other guys (Brad and Jerome). Jennings started out on a super roll (What is Horse sweat Alex), but Brad and Jerome stormed back like gangbusters in double jeopardy and the genius is actually in third place going into day two of the three-day tournament. I'll admit I marked out a bit when Jennings started unraveling.

-- Whenever I start having faith in the military leadership. Situations like Pat Tillman arise. [Washington Post] This is the common case of covering one's ass and hoping for good PR. Not surprisingly stories like this get hidden because of this new obsession with Newsweek and Lindsay Lohan's shrinking chest.

-- And Miss Lohan...why did you do it?

-- And I leave you with this quote to end this movie that won an Oscar for Best Picture. Guess the film.

Anything I wanted was a phone call away. Free cars. The keys to a dozen hideout flats all over the city. I bet twenty, thirty grand over a weekend and then I'd either blow the winnings in a week or go to the sharks to pay back the bookies.

Didn't matter. It didn't mean anything. When I was broke, I'd go out and rob some more. We ran everything. We paid off cops. We paid off lawyers. We paid off judges. Everybody had their hands out. Everything was for the taking. And now it's all over.

That's the hardest part. Today everything is different. There's no action. I have to wait around like everyone else. Can't even get decent food. Right after I got here I ordered some spaghetti with marinara sauce and I got egg noodles and ketchup. I'm an average nobody. I get to live the rest of my life like a schnook.

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About Us

I take the news
and drag the truth out of it.


Previously...

Enter The Caption Contest (#8)

Weekender Part 2

Weekender Part I

Stories From the Sith...

Print Media Is Safe..

Enter The Caption Contest (#7)

Benefits Could Rise for Fat Smokers...

A Hug-Free Society...

Weekender...

While I'm Away...



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